i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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