so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
