Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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