You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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