I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
