Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
