I faked an abortion last night.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
