After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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