Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
