i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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