____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
