And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
