Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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