So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
