im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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