how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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