conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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