who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
