Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
