I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
