Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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