I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
