yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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