just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
