6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
