My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
