a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
