Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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