I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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