Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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