Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
