ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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