If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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