you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
