Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
