I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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