I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize