Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
