We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
