I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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