Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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