is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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