im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
