I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
