I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
