No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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