We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
