You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize