Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
