I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
