watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
