Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
