Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
