The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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