shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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