Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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