watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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