Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
